This is absurd.
Oh, my God.
- There she is. - There she is. Hmm.
Look at her.
Like a fucking dinosaur.
She's got bed-head too.
Oh, my God.
I can see the edge of her fucking Spanx.
- Look at that. That ass. - Ugh.
I bet she smells like fucked buttholes.
I believe that's what the children call truffle butter.
- Hey, Dr. Brown. - Hello.
Boom, boom, boom.
The ground fucking shakes. Boom, boom, boom.
Hey, darling. We've been thinking about you.
Did you get any sleep? You must be tired.
I know you have a lot going on, but we like to raise the flag at half-past seven.
- Just so you know. - I'm sorry, I'm turned around.
Forgive me for running late.
I do have a budget meeting to prepare for.
Do you boys mind handling this one yourselves?
Oh, of course not, darling. Do what you need to do.
Let us know if you need anything.
Hmm. I told you.
Fucked buttholes.
What's happening, Mr. Gamby?
Are you gonna eat with the teachers today?
I'm patrolling the cafeteria. I can't go eat with whoever I want to.
Ain't nobody gonna cause any trouble. Go eat with them.
- Don't be scared. - Who's scared?
Ain't nothing wrong with being scared.
You're outside your comfort zone.
I'm plenty comfortable, Dayshawn.
Even if I wanted to, I don't have a lunch.
- So I couldn't go over there. - Mr. Gamby...
you don't need no lunch money. I got you, dog.
Who did it? Who the fuck did it?
I'm gonna watch the tapes, see who thinks it's funny...
for a man to be hit in the face with meat. Goddamn it!
Scoot over.
Hi. I need a second to settle down, then I'll figure out who did that.
- Want my napkin? - That'd be great.
Here we go.
You got a little...
Yeah. That's it, that's the one.
So, what's up with you?
Anything cool in English this week?
Actually, no. I'm chaperoning Bill Hayden's...
history field trip to Charles Towne Landing.
- That seems a little odd. - Does it?
An English teacher chaperoning a history field trip?
English, history, kind of go hand-in-hand.
They don't, they're totally different departments.
Let me guess, Bill Hayden invited you?
- Yep. - Okay, I'll work it out with him.
You didn't do anything wrong.
It's not your fault, you're not in trouble.
But I'll have some words with him. You know what?
You're beautiful in this light.
Hmm.
That's not sexual harassment, it's a compliment.
- You're allowed to do that. - Yep.
You can just take it.
- Take your compliment. - I'm uncomfortable.
Don't be uncomfortable. I tell Sue she's beautiful all the time.
Sue, you're gorgeous.
Hey, Andrea, I'm still waiting for that homework. Still.
Lentrel, move your ass.
I'm cool, but I'm not that cool.
- I want to see it tomorrow. - Mr. Hayden.
Mind if I have a word?
Mr. Gamby, what's up?
Gonna bring that inside where everybody can see?
Am I not allowed to have it in the hallways?
No, you can have it. I didn't know if you wanted...
everybody knowing you ride a bike to work.
- Heh. I'm not ashamed of that. - Okay, if you're not.
I was on my way out. Was there something else?
As a matter of fact there was.
It's come to my attention you're planning a field trip...
and hand-selecting chaperones.
I was curious why you didn't inform me.
I told Mr. Russell. So...
Well, Mr. Russell is not...
the vice principal in charge of discipline. That'd be me.
- Sorry I didn't run it by you. - I'm not really sure I can approve...
this field trip if you don't have a disciplinary advisor chaperone...
going on the trip too with you.
Are you saying that the trip is canceled unless you come along?
I guess I am the most qualified, aren't I? I have to check my schedule, though.
I got a lot of shit going on.
But for now, let's say yes, I will come.
A field trip?
Brown is bleeding out like a fucking buffalo. Now is the time to strike.
I'm not asking for permission. I'm going on the field trip.
I need a favor as well.
You said that you keep a secret file on everybody at school.
I need the one on Amanda Snodgrass.
What? That's not funny.
That is funny. The truth comes out. You're trying to get your dick wet.
- That's not what I'm doing. - It is what you're doing.
- I can see it all over your face. - Don't talk about my dick.
- Like a little fucking horny dog. - Nope.
- Like a little red dog. - Don't talk about my red things.
I bet you're gonna wear shorts.
Jesus fucking Christ. Gamby puts on shorts...
and tries to go fuck somebody. That's just fucking gross. Ugh.
Look, are you gonna help me or not?
Fuck no.
Never.
Goddamn. You can die on that bus for all I care.
I'll see you on Monday, you little horny dog.
Ray's really good, isn't he?
I'm noticing some inconsistencies.
He's losing a lot of speed around those turns.
- Jealous much? - Because he rides a dirt bike...
- and gets my sloppy seconds? - What's sloppy seconds?
Your mom because of her bad attitude.
Speaking of jealous...
guess who's going on a trip with a lady friend?
Oh, you're seeing somebody?
Ah. Yes, I am.
Amanda Snodgrass. Google her.
Hey, did you tell your dad your big news?
- You got news? - I wanna start doing motocross.
- Ray thinks I'll be good at it. - But I told her she had to ask you first.
- Well, the answer is no. - Dad, why not?
Because it's dangerous. Look at this. This is for losers and rednecks.
She wants to do this and I was only asking you to be nice.
- We're doing it. - Ray Liptrapp...
- looks like he's gonna... - Whoo! Yes, baby!
And Ray Liptrapp takes the race.
Ray Liptrapp.
Hello, all.
- Hey. - Hey, Mr. Gamby.
Ms. Snodgrass. I got it all sorted out.
Sorted what out?
The field trip. I sorted it out and now I'm here. Heh, heh.
Who the fuck was that?
Whistle one more time, see what happens. Sit down, goddamn it.
Hey, Bruce Carter, big Bruce. Good to see you, man.
I didn't know you were coming.
Yeah, yeah, they appointed me as supervisor of discipline.
That's not what I heard.
Heh, heh. What'd you hear, Ms. Abbott?
I heard you threatened to shut the trip down unless you could come.
Not true. Maybe you got some Starbucks drink in your ear...
because that is not what happened. Ha-ha-ha.
No. What...? Look, I do have the power to do that, though.
I could shut this down any time I want to.
But I'm not, because I want us to have fun.
All right, all right, all right. Chaperones.
- It's just like Matthew McConaughey. - Yeah.
- That's funny. - Thanks, thanks.
- Um, shall we hit the road? - Yes.
Let's do it.
- That's hilarious. - After you.
Got some loose lips on you, huh?
Excuse me?
No, I will not.
Sort of find different ways to work out on the bus.
I can't wait for the, um...
Possibly if there's time, you might be doing fletchery...
which would be incredible.
There may be a musket.
I think it'd be very fun.
I wonder what landscape they would have had.
- Ms. Snodgrass. - Yeah.
Snodgrass is such an interesting name.
- Oh, you think so? - Yeah. What is it, Scottish?
I would imagine northern middle English, probably.
"Snod" meaning, obviously, smooth, sleek, even, "grass" meaning grass.
Smooth grass.
How would you know that?
I've always been fascinated with surnames' meanings.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
Cool. What does Gamby mean?
You know, to be, uh... It's medieval.
Hey, guys? Hey, guys. Listen up for a second.
Pretty soon, we're gonna be arriving in historic Charles Towne.
Okay? But it's not where we're arriving, it's when.
Okay, we are taking a trip through time...
all the way back to the year 1670...
when settlers established what would eventually become...
the first permanent settlement here in the Carolinas.
Okay? It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Unless... Unless... If I may interject here...
unless we choose not to have fun and act like assholes.
- Then it's not gonna be pretty. - None of us are assholes...
and using language like that...
is one example of what not to do on this trip.
Actually, make your own rules for yourself.
I make rules for myself.
You make rules for you, and then I make rules for you guys as well.
That's fine. I don't think we'll have any problems.
But I want everybody to be individuals, okay? Soak in the culture.
Don't act like assholes.
Because that's gonna be enough, and that's enough.
Enough is enough.
Believe that. Believe that.
Clear? All right.
Go ahead, we're done.
He sits first, then I sit. I'm the last one.
Guys, this is so cool. Everything you see here today...
is exactly as it was over 300 years ago.
Which means no iPads, no phones, no cars.
How about, "No, thank you"? Ha-ha-ha.
You'll also see the various characters from settlement life...
such as craftsmen, militia, and, yes...
even slaves.
- Oh, I don't know about this. - What's that?
- They shouldn't do this. That's racist. - It's history.
- Charles Towne had slaves. - Sorry, I don't believe in that.
You don't have to believe it.
It doesn't change the fact that slavery happened.
Why are you arguing with me?
I'm saying slavery is wrong. There's no reason to argue with that.
That's... I'm not arguing with that.
Don't make the trip about you. Let's keep moving, guys.
- Get Ms. Snodgrass and these guys in. - Okay, look sad.
Get a picture of me. Get a picture of me.
You know how to use a camera?
Hayden, you're out. Your turn's up.
Snodgrass, you stay in.
One with us two.
Great work, Hayden. Bruce.
- Make sure we're framed up. - Crap, I closed it.
- Get the shot. - What's your password?
- 7-7-7-7-2. - My neck hurts.
Just do it. Put it on.
- Let me get the flash ready. - Just open the camera app.
- Not my photo app. - There it is. I got it.
- This'll be good. - Don't take the photo.
- Done. - Erase it now.
- Looks nice. - Will you post it?
- Get me out of here. Goddamn it. - Want to see it?
You better not have gotten it.
I told you not to. I didn't want this.
- Give it to me. - He said it's really good.
So, guys, we're gonna meet back down here at 6:30.
Then we'll have dinner in the hotel restaurant.
Oh, so we have some time to relax. Great.
Who's up for hanging out in the chill suite?
I don't want to drink alone, but I will if you make me. Heh.
I think the plan is just to get some rest, Neal.
I think the adults can make choices for themselves.
I'm gonna have to be a party pooper. That sun wore me out.
I'm gonna take a nap.
- The turkey has my stomach feeling funny. - I'll check out the suite.
Turkey legs didn't do anything bad to me.
No, actually, I have some work to do.
I think we should all just go our own way.
- Yeah. - Cool. Heh.
Oh, Snow bunny. Heh.
"The Elder and the Egg."
A novelist. Hmm.
Beautiful.
Huh? What the fuck?
Shit!
Get the fuck out of here.
Who are you?
- No, you didn't. What did you do? - It wasn't a shooting.
It was just the guy with the pizzas.
- That's so embarrassing. - I mean, you have to hear him.
Yeah, real nice, Hayden. You could've called my hotel room.
Bruce, I expect this from him.
You? I thought we were cut from the same cloth.
You were doing your own thing. You said you had work.
I do have to do work, but I also want to eat. Jesus Christ.
- Well, go ahead and eat now, Neal. - Yeah, it's really good.
Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you anything else?
I need to order now. I know what I want.
I want a Blue Moon, the buffalo burger, and your salad bar...
and put a rush on it.
We're busy, so it'll be ready when it's ready.
- Excuse me? Would you say that again? - Sure. It'll be ready when it's ready.
Am I sensing a little attitude?
Are you trying to pop off and not get a tip?
No, just telling you.
Your party's over six, so gratuity's included.
- Yeah. - Fucking bitch.
Well, we should get these kids to bed.
Neal, you're welcome to stay and finish your food.
You guys go on. I'll keep Mr. Gamby company.
Okay, it's up to you.
Fine, leave.
I don't give a shit.
Good night, Bruce.
Good night, guys.
Finally, right? Ha-ha-ha.
Know what I'm looking forward to? This buffalo burger.
I heard it's awesome. Last time I had a buffalo burger...
I was actually skiing in Colorado.
You ever been to Colorado?
Actually, I love it, I've been a few times.
Oh, yeah? Wow. We got a lot in common.
It's nuts how I know about your name...
and what it means, and know that you like Colorado.
- It's like I know all your sweet spots. - Yeah.
Let me guess, you also have ambitions to be a writer?
Neal, can I tell you something?
Yeah, of course, you can tell me anything.
Great. Everyone thinks you're an asshole, Neal.
You're ruining the trip.
Does wine make you tell jokes?
No. No, I'm not joking.
Everyone was excited about coming and you're ruining it.
You're being controlling and very weird.
- Kind of like a little bitch-ass. - Bitch-ass?
Some of the stuff you're saying is bitch-ass too.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. There's things I could tell you...
that you should change.
- Please do. - How you're just always trying to... Wearing...
The stuff with your necklaces, how you're...
The part in your beautiful hair looks stupid, how it's on that one side.
- Just, like, don't act like you're perfect. - I am not perfect.
Yeah, well, so give me a pass for once, please?
- Thank you. Jesus Christ. - Okay.
Who's saying this bologna anyway? Hayden?
- No, I'm saying it, Neal. - Oh, very impressive.
Bill Hayden's getting a female teacher to do his dirty work.
- No. - Now, that is the definition of bitch-ass.
Good night. Good night, Neal.
I need you to wrap up all my stuff. I'm taking this to go.
The salad bar's dine-in only.
You fucking cocksucker.
What the fuck?
Open up.
This is Vice Principal Neal Gamby.
If you do not open this door right fucking now, I'm calling parents.
One Mississip, two Mississip.
Jesus H. Christ.
Party's over. Party's over!
Kurt Small, that's five days of ISS for you.
Randy Gamble, you got that bottle of Tanqueray. Eight days for you.
My wine sack. Who did this? Who drank my Chablis?
No one, we poured it out. The pouch made it taste all meaty.
You think you know about wine?
What wine pairs good with ten days ISS? Huh?
Is it a zinfandel? Is it a fucking Shiraz?
Where's Tammy Wooten and Kyle Gephart? Huh?
- Where are they? - They're hooking up.
My God.
Hayden, wake up. We got a code red, Hayden.
Hayden.
- What's going on? - We got a major situation here. We got...
What the fuck?
- What's going on? - Just a little...
You're hanging out and you didn't invite me?
- Just having some... - We didn't plan this.
- It sort of happened. - Yeah.
Bruce, this trip's got me seeing you in a whole new light now.
Gamby, you want a mudslide or what?
No, I don't. That's not a drink, it's a dessert.
- That's two desserts for you. - It's my cheat day.
- Did you need something, Neal? - Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I did, Mr. Popularity.
The students are drunk. Tammy Wooten and Kyle Gephart...
- they're missing. - Wait, what?
- Where are they? - Okay, what do we do?
It's come to my attention you don't want me here.
That you guys think I'm an "asshole," I believe was the term.
But let me tell you, you better be glad I'm here.
Because if this was Lee Russell or Belinda Brown...
they would've called the cops by now. Be glad I'm cool.
I'm giving you one more shot.
If they're drunk and missing maybe we do need to call the cops.
- Yeah. - No. I'm giving you all one more shot.
Go. Let's go.
Have you seen two students, high school, quite possibly drunk?
No, no. Thank you.
- So, what's the real story, Bill? - What?
- Don't be dumb with an educator. - No idea what you're talking about.
Why would Ms. Snodgrass say I'm ruining the trip?
I've been nothing but helpful.
You know what I think's going on? I think you're trying to turn her against me.
- Do you have a crush on Ms. Snodgrass? - No. She's ugly.
- Holy shit. Hey! Hey! - No! No!
- Hey! - Get out of her!
- No! No! Oh, my God! - Shit! Shit!
- Oh, my God! - Fuck!
How dare you make this trip sexual?
What are we in trouble for? For being in love?
- For being an idiot. - That's bullshit.
You know what's bullshit, Kyle Gephart? You are.
You came on this trip with big designs, didn't you?
Thought you'd come expand your sexual conquests...
but instead, what happened?
You failed. You must feel like a fool, right?
- Fucking pathetic. - I think we've all learned our lesson here.
Hayden, I say when lessons have been learned.
Lessons have been learned.
Mr. Hayden's gonna take you to your rooms...
since he caused this debacle.
- I'm sorry, what? - Yeah, you heard me, Bill.
This is what happens when faculty get shitfaced on mudslides.
- I'm just glad that everyone is safe. - Yeah, so am I.
Bill, get these kids up to their room.
Let's go.
Well, that's enough excitement for me for one night.
- Yeah, me too. Um, good night. - Good night.
Whoo. Gotta hand it to you, Mr. Gamby. You and Bill really saved the day.
Well, Bill didn't do anything. He was useless.
Ha-ha-ha. Totally.
Useless.
- Pretty wild night. - No, you're wrong, it wasn't wild at all.
Guess it wasn't that wild. Heh.
Don't just agree with everything I say.
Yep. That's weird. I don't know why I did that.
After I said it was wild, I was thinking, "No, it wasn't."
No dogs.
Oh. Hey, Neal.
You're awake early.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I didn't sleep much...
with all the excitement.
Kind of a messy night.
Yeah. To say the least. Heh.
Hey, listen, um, about what I said last night.
That was... uncool of me. I'm sorry.
- I shouldn't have... - You don't have to apologize.
We all did stuff last night that I'm sure we'll regret forever.
What did you do that you would regret forever?
I was just supposed to get my daughter a souvenir.
It's the only thing I did that's regretful, really.
Do you want me to help you pick something out?
- You'd do that? - Of course.
- Okay, yeah. That'd be cool. Uh... - Okay.
- She's 13 years old. Think she'd like this? - Heh, heh.
This... This too small?
Maybe you should buy her some food.
- Ha-ha-ha. She has... Eats a lot. - Ooh.
Does she like these horses, maybe?
- Actually, she loves horses. - Um...
I'm amazing.
This big monster here.
Hundred and twenty bucks.
Maybe the old wooden Native American one.
Don't get her that one.
- You think this one? It's worth it. - Yeah. Come on.
Yeah. It's easy.
- Thank you. - My pleasure.
That's my personal business, for work.
- You shouldn't be looking at that. - What in the fuck is this?
You have everything in here.
I'm looking at the section on her menstrual cycle.
- Disgusting and weird. - Shh, shh.
Just keep your fucking mouth shut about this, okay, please?